Way Out West
by mg78
Summary: AU version. Set during the Wild West days, Jessie "James" Sammler is sherrif of a small town. She meets the stunning Katie "Screaching Hawk" Singer while taking on evil villain Sarah "Snake Eye" Grasso. A true J/K crack fic.
1. Chapter 1

**Way Out West**

**DISCLAIMER - **The characters of Jessie Sammler, Katie Singer, Sarah Grasso, Tadd and Russell are the property of the creators of Once and Again and ABC.

**After watching some cheezy spaghetti Western movies and the movie Blazing Saddles, I had to do a Western comedy with Jessie and Katie. **

Somewhere in the territory of New Mexico during the latter years of the Wild West (it really doesn't matter where the exact location, they all basically the same.)

"This here folks is Nutty Bushel, New Mexico, where cowboys still carry their gun and women still carry their wooden hand-rollers to smack their husbands with. This is your usual Western town, with saloons, a local church, a small school, some small shops, many outhouses (if you even had the food in any of the restaurants here, you'll know why), a few bath houses, a sushi restaurant (it's the best trust me), a Wal-Mart, and a 7-Eleven. One of the popular saloons here is _The Other Way Around_ saloon. This is the only saloon I know where boys can be girls and girls can be boys, my type of place. Oh you're probably wondering who the narrator of this story is. Well it's me, Jessie James Sammler, and I'm the main character of this story. I can shoot better than Annie Oakley, fight better than John Wayne, sing better than Roy Rogers, and score more girls than Wilt Chamberland! I'm also the sheriff of this town here so if you step out of line here, I'm gonna get your ass!"

"Well my real name is Jessica Elizabeth Sammler, but I think Jessie James  
Sammler sounds a lot better. I'm not a native here but I consider this place to be more like home than where I originally came from, Chicago. Ever since I was a kid reading my brother's Dime-back Cowboy novels, I always wanted to be a cowgirl. I enjoyed reading the likes of Wyatt Earp, Billy the Kid, and Clint Eastwood. I wanted to be just like them, I wanted the adventure, the glory, the money and most of all, the chicks! Why are you looking at me strange? What you got a problem with me liking women? I got a double barrel shotgun aiming right at your and I'm not afraid to pull the trigger!"

"Well that's the one thing that is the best and worse about me: I love women! I mean what's not to love about them? They're soft, warm, and easy to cuddle like a teddy bear. They can brighten your day with their smile, they have soft and beautiful hair, their scent drives anybody crazy, their skins are nice and soft, their sensuality is amazing, and their caring and nurturing personality can make anyone melt. I love them all, whether they're short, tall, big, small, fat (well not too fat), skinny, young, old, MILFs, redheads, blonds, brunettes, Blacks, Orientals, Indians, married, non-married, straight, gay, bi, doesn't make a difference to me, as long as they're cute. I'm a real chick magnet; men have to lock their wives in their house when I come to their area. God knows how many married women I've messed with and how many of them told me they're willing to leave their husbands for me!"

"Here I am drinking my whiskey, eating some raw oysters from California, and playing Go Fish (my favorite game) with Spencer Devine who always look good in a red dress, a butch named Michelle who prefers to be called Mitch, and a chimpanzee name Bobo. I also had this beautiful African-American woman sitting on my lap, her name is Yolonda but everybody calls her "Brown Sugar." Her left arm was around my neck while her right hand was holding my right hand and my right arm were wrapped around her body. Anyways I always play a game of Go Fish with a chick next to me or on me."

"I win again! I'm the queen of Go Fish!" As usually I have to boast and brag about my Go Fish skills.

"Thank God that was only a friendly game, if we were betting and I ended up loosing this dress my wife would kill me." Spencer said.

"That's funny, you like to wear your wife's clothes and your wife likes to wear your clothes." Mitch said with her heavy voice tone that tried to imitate a man's voice but it just doesn't quite get it right.

"Well at least he doesn't wear her panties." I said in a humorous matter. We all laughed in the table, even Bobo. However Spencer was also blushing red from the comment I just made. I mean he was red like a cherry.

"Don't tell me you actually…OH MY GOD! I know too much about you now!" I could see the shame on his face but I didn't care at the time, that was so gross!

"Eww, you nasty." Brown Sugar retorted with that sexy soulful South Carolina accent of hers.

"Oooh oooh eeee eeee aahh aahh?" Bobo said to Spencer.

"Yeah, she wears mine as well…" Spencer responded to Bobo, don't ask me how or why but he understands what Bobo is saying. Bobo slapped his right hand on his eyes and shake his head in disbelief. Me, Mitch and Brown Sugar had heard enough, so when just as I and Brown Sugar was about to leave the table this mean hombre came busting through the door, I knew there was going to be trouble ahead because as soon as he entered in the saloon I heard that sound that came from the movie The Good, The Bad and The Ugly, you know the one that goes:

(Whistle part) wah, wah, wah, (whistle part) wah, wah, wah.

"I'm looking for that son-of-a, excuse me, I mean that daughter-of-a-bitch Jessie James Sammler."

I knew very well who it was. It was Black Bart, the quickest six-shooter in town. This guy can take me out in a shoot-out.

"You've been sleeping with my wife last night!" He said with a disgusting sneer on his face.

"How do you know it was me?"

"Because I found your panties in my wife's room you Sappho slut!"

Then he pulled my panties from his pocket for everyone to see. It was a pink silk one with my initials on it, I got it as a gift from his wife who makes ladies undergarment for a living. Shit, I was hurrying to leave the place when I heard him coming in the house.

"Bitch, you a hoe!" Brown Sugar said to me spitefully. Like she can talk, she's just as bad as me.

"Excuse me girl? You sleep around with other women too, and you're married to a man!"

"At least they're not married." She responded, like she thinks that really holds water.

"No, but you are! Your husband has threatened you many times because you sleep with other women." I can't really tell you what he actually says to her since it's rather racially offensive, her husband is white by the way. And then our argument escalated. It looked like it was gonna turn into a ghetto brawl worthy of a Jerry Springer show but then Black Bart interrupted.

"Will you two Sappho sluts shut the hell up?!" That quickly brought that attention back to him. "You have just slept with every man's wife who is under 55 in this town. I'm gonna put an end to this, you home-wrecking homo!"

With that comment, I immediately pull out my gun, knowing that a showdown was gonna take place. However he ran into some problems…

"Wait a minute hold on… I think I left my bullets at home."

I can't believe this. He's challenging me to a showdown and yet he forgot to load his gun? "She's right, you are a dumb-ass." I said to myself, however I wasn't aware that I said it loud enough for him to hear it.

"What did you just say?"

"Nothing, nothing!" I said with a small amount of panic.

However while he was looking for his bullets, he found two pieces of licorices. Those licorices are the most bitter and saltiest licorices in the world. He then proposes another duel to me: "I challenge you to a duel to see who can eat these licorices without any problems. We each take a bite at the same time and keep on taking bites until one of us passes out, vomits, chokes, or anything like that. Are you with me so far?"

"Oh yeah!" Little did he know those were my favorite licorice.

"Now if I win the duel, then you will give up your sheriff's badge to me and you can never come back to this town. In fact you should leave this country and move to the Island of Lesbos so you can be with the rest of your pussy eating friends!"

I was ready to knock him out when he made that comment but something even better came into my mind: "And if I win, then me and your wife are gonna have a three-week getaway trip to San Francisco, France, and Greece where we can do whatever we like and you're gonna pay for the trip! And yes, the Island of Lesbos will be one of the places we'll be visiting." I said followed with a smirk.

When he heard that, you could have seen the shock and surprise in his eyes. For a while he turned a bit stiff, having a bit trouble letting my end of the deal sink in but he soon collected his thoughts.

"OK Ellen."

"It's Jessie!"

"Yeah whatever. I accept your deal."

So we shake hands to finalize the deal and he gave me one of the licorices.

"Okay when I say begin we will both take one bite of the licorice and chew until we both swallow our pieces. Only after we both swallow our pieces then we can bite another piece. Do you have any problems with what I just said?"

"No, none whatsoever, except one little thing." I knew he might have some trick behind his sleeves so I have to put in one little stipulation.

"What is it?"

"You must chew the piece for no less than 10 seconds." I said while looking at him right at his eyes. When I said that I saw the fright in his eyes, it was like that of a little child. The rest of his face tried to hide it but his eyes gave it away.

He tried to look strong and poised when he responded back to my stipulation. "OK I will agree to that," however there was some trepidation in his voice which didn't so well to mask his fright.

"Okay then let's begin." He said.

So the duel begins and we both bit a piece off of our licorice. The bar lady was keeping count of our chewing. He chewed and swallowed his piece but had a little bit of a struggle near the end of the 10 seconds. I showed no sign of struggle chewing my piece since the taste didn't bother me, in fact I really liked it! I wish I had more duels like this, I won't have to worry about dying! He was shocked that I could chew the piece with relative ease.

Next was the second bite. He bit his piece and struggle around 5 seconds. I just chewed my piece like it was nothing. There were some small tears coming out of his eyes. He tried to hide it but he didn't do a good job at that. Then came the third bite. He looked good for the first eight seconds of his chewing then he started to squench his face. Tears were starting to come out of his eyes even though he closed his eyes tightly, the licorice was starting to have an effect on him. Then he started make noises with his throat. He was holding his throat in despair as the black juices started to seep through his throat. He started to cough and it looked like his eyes were going to pop out! Finally through all the coughing and choking he somehow managed to ask for water. There were no questions that I was the winner but the bartender still made the announcement.

"Well it looks like Jessie and Bart's wife are going to be heading to San Francisco and everywhere else! Jessie's the winner!"

Everybody cheered and congratulated me while Bart was drinking as much was as he could to get rid of the salty and bitter taste from the licorice. After he was able to return back to normal Bart looked at me with deep hate.

"You may have won this one, but I'm not through with you bitch!"

I really didn't take his comment very lightly so I pulled out my gun and pointed it to him.

"If you don't get out of here in the next ten seconds, I will be through with you!" He left so fast I didn't even get to three! The bartender who was and still is a good friend made an offer to me.

"How bout a shot of your favorite whiskey on the house?"

"That sounds great to me!"

So he served me a free shot of whiskey and drank it like it was water. Of course one shot of whiskey won't do me good so I had another. It wasn't until my fifth shot that my life was about to change for the better.

+-+-+

The main villain (cue the old-school villain music)

While I was sipping on my whiskey at the saloon something big was going down on the other side of the town. There was a bank robbery at Last Western National Bank and leading the robbery was no other than the toughest and most dangerous outlaw in all of New Mexico, Snake-Eye Sarah Grasso. She also has two partners joining her in her bank heist: Texas T. Tad and Rusty Belt Russell.

"POW! Ok everybody, this is a stick up hand me your."

While the robbery was going on Texas T. Tadd was talking to a lady.


	2. Meet The Villains

Chapter 2: Meet the Villans

Well folks, here we are again with our crazy story. As you know last time I was challenged to a duel by Black Bart. It was supposed to be a shootout, but that numbskull forgot his bullets. So instead, it turned into a licorice-eating contest, which I easily won. He should have known better than to challenge a lesbian in a licorice-eating contest. The prize for me was for him to pay for me and his wife to take a trip to anywhere we wanted to go. Unfortunately, we never got the trip because that yellow-belly bastard ran away and now he's in hiding. Wait 'til I find that jackass.

Anyhow, this is the chapter where the bank heist should have taken place. That so-called author was too lazy to proofread her own work.

_Hey, watch what you're saying! I'm in charge here! You still want to remain in this story, huh?_

I'm the protagonist in this story; the story wouldn't exist without me!

_And I can stop writing this story, would you like that?_

Okay, okay, you win. Let's just get back to the story…

* * *

While I was sipping on my whiskey at the saloon, something big was going down on the other side of town. There was a bank robbery at Last Western National Bank. Leading the robbery was none other than the toughest and most dangerous outlaw in all of New Mexico, Snake-Eye Sarah Grasso; and she also brought along her two partners in the bank heist, the tough Texas T. Tad and the resourceful Rusty Belt Russell.

(Cue the old-school Western villain music) "Okay, everybody, this is a stick up! Hand over your money, jewelry, weapons, gold caps, platinum bling, American Express cards, iPods, and anything else that's valuable. And no one will get hurt! Oh, and we don't take traveler's checks!"

"Umm Sarah, nobody has an American Express card, or platinum bling, or even an iPod. This is the old Wild West, remember?" Russell reminded her with disbelief.

"Oh. Yeah, well... just give me all your valuables!"

Even though she disguised herself with a handkerchief over her face, someone still recognized her.

"Oh my, it's Snake-Eye Sarah."

"No I'm not!" she yelled back.

"Yes you are. I recognize those clothes and that handkerchief from the last robbery you did at the Third to Last Western Bank in Albuquerque two days ago!"

Russell smartly told her, "See I told you that you needed to wear some new clothes."

"Shut up, Carson Kressley!" she barked back. Her attention went back to the old lady, "Well then, Grandma, since you know who I am, you just volunteered yourself to be the first to hand me your goodies!" She pointed her gun right at the poor old lady's head.

The old woman reluctantly opened her purse and took out all her money, but Sarah saw something that looked like gold.

"Okay mama, I know you got some gold in there. Hand it over now!"

"Uh… uh... I don't think you would want it..."

"What? Are you kidding me? Anything golden is good for me. Now hand over that purse, granny!"

The woman did as she was told and handed over her purse. When Sarah opened it, she saw the golden object as it started to vibrate! Ewww, I know... In total shock and disgust, Sarah handed back the purse. "Yeah, you can keep that gold!"

Besides that, everybody handed over their valuables without any trouble... Sarah and her gang took anything they could get their greedy hands on, and then some. Sarah even stole a Chocolate bar from a fat kid just as he was about to eat it.

"Hey! That's my candy bar!"

"Shut it, kid! Just think diet!"

While the robbery was going on, Texas T. Tadd had wondered off a bit and lost focus, instead he was talking to a lady, "Howdy there miss. What's your name?"

Her face told him just how unimpressed she was with his pick-up, "Why should I tell you my name? I don't even know what you look like."

"What, you think I'm ugly or something?"

"Maybe," she said indifferently.

Tad then stupidly removed his handkerchief from his face, but that impressed her even less. In fact, she started to laugh.

"With that face of yours, you should have kept it on," she snickered.

"What? You don't think you've just seen the sexiest-looking guy on the face of the earth?"

"You? Puleeez…" she scoffed. "Talk to the hand, idiot!"

When Russell saw, he got really upset, "Tad, you dumb-ass, what the hell are you doing?" He quickly knocked the girl out with his gun.

"What's the matter?" he asked ignorantly.

Russell came up to him and whispered in his ear, "You don't have your mask on, fool!"

"Oops!" was all he said and Tad quickly went to a corner, putting on back his handkerchief. Luckily, she was the only one who saw him without it.

"What the hell is going on?" Sarah asked. "And why did you hit a girl? I know that girls ain't your thing, but damn!"

Russell rolled his eyes, "It's not like that! Tad removed his handkerchief from his face just to impress this girl. She saw what he looked like, so I had to knock her out."

She looked at the knocked-out girl lying cold on the floor and shook her head in disbelief, "Remind me later on to find some new muscle, Russ."

"Will do, believe me…"

Mad as a peeled rattler, she went to the corner and pulled Tad by his right ear, "What the fuck were you thinkin' in that mash potato head o' yours? You should know better," she gritted.

"But I'm sorry. I'll -"

She smacked him hard across his face. "I don't want to hear any excuses! And you're not even doing the job right. Did you even check that man out?" she pointed to man wearing a misplaced toupee.

"No. What's so special about him, besides that he's wearing his toupee wrong?"

Sarah started to boil like a tea kettle, "You fuckin' idiot! Ain't it obvious that he's hiding something underneath it?" The man was starting to get very nervous and then she pointed the gun at him, "Ain't that right, mister?"

"Y-y-yes ma'am, I'm sorry 'bout that!" He nervously removed his toupee and handed his silver watch to Sarah.

"Thank you very much!" She showed her appreciation by hitting the guy in the stomach with her gun. She returned her attention back to that rock-brained Tad.

"Boy, I'm gonna hit you so hard, I'm gonna knock you all the way to next Tuesday and be ready for you the following Wednesday! Now get the rest of the loot and don't fuck up!"

"Yes, Snake Eye," he replied nervously.

When they had finally gotten all the goodies, she addressed the customers, "Thank you for your cooperation. It's been a pleasure doing business with you mighty fine folks. Have a wonderful day."

And so they got on their horses and rode away.

"Do you always have to give that stupid speech at every robbery?"

"Why not? I like to rub it in."

Russell shook his head in disbelief and muttered 'Idiot' under his breath. However, something else was on Tad's mind.

"I wish I had that girl's address."

"SHUT UP!" Sarah and Russell yelled at him in unison.

* * *

Back at the saloon, I was working on my fifth whiskey. Bored as a two-by-four, I was watching some guy telling his corny jokes on stage. People were starting to boo at him and they started to throw their glasses and beer bottles at him. If you think them crowds at the Apollo are hostile, you ain't see how we act, kiddo.

"And I said to him, take my wife please!" The boo's were getting louder. Even Bobo was trying to boo at him! Then a patron got up from his seat and pulled out his shotgun. BOOM! - No more comedian... See, at least you live to see another day at the Apollo.

After they cleaned up all the blood and guts off the stage, the host came to announce the next performer.

"Well, he always thought of himself as a big shot… Coming up next is a very provocative dance performance that I'm sure you don't want to miss. None of you guys will be disappointed and neither will some of you girls! She's quite an expert in the art of the can-can; and believe me folks, she'll show it to you!" That got quite a few chuckles from the crowd. "Now let's give it up for the sensational Katie Singer!"

Then she came on the stage. I don't know if it's me or it's the whiskey, but my eyes were fixed the moment I saw her. That slim figure, those green eyes, and that long beautiful brown hair of hers. She was like an angel, with black stockings! When she danced the can-can, I nearly fell out of my stool. Watching those beautiful legs of hers rising so high in the air was amazing.

Apparently, I wasn't the only one impressed with her performance; a guy came up very close to the stage and it looked like the bouncer was going to take care of him, but Katie told him not to.

"Don't worry, Big Bertha, I'll handle this." She turned her attention to the loser, "So you like what you see?" she said with a touch of seduction.

"Ab-so-loot-lee!" the guy responded. It was apparent that the fool was quite drunk.

"Well I'm glad you do. Do you wanna see some more?" she teased. She was _so_ leading him on.

"Yes! Yes! Yes!" he panted like a sick horn dog.

"Good. Now just bend your back a little bit, like this," as she positioned his back to the way she wanted it. The crowd was behind him, wondering what she was doing.

"There, perfect. Now stand still like the drunk stiff you are, and I really mean it."

With her powerful legs, she high-kicked the hat off of his head, reveling her drawers to the pervert. And on them were written, 'Don't Even Try It!'. The hat flew all the way to where I was sitting and I caught it. That must have been like at least 12 feet! Damn, I don't want to be in a kung-fu fight with her! The pervert wasn't sure whether to laugh or run away in fear.

She then gave him some much needed scolding, "The next time you come up to the stage this close, I'll kick your head off your body, got that?"

"Y-y-yes ma'am. I won't do it again."

"You better not. And that goes for the rest of you!"

"Yes ma'am," the crowd responded, knowing better than to mess with her. After that, the crowd applauded for nearly a minute, but all that ended as soon as she opened her mouth.

"Thank you very much. I appreciate it. As you can see, I'm a very good dancer, but as my last name being Singer, I shall sing a song for you mighty fine folks. Piano man, hit it!"

The piano man played the intro, and then she began to sing. I wish that the piano man would have played the intro a lot longer…

"LLLOOOVVVINNNGGG YYYOOOUUU, IIIISSSS AAAALLLL TTTTHHHAAATTT IIII RRREEEAAALLLYYY WWWAAAANNNTTTT TTOO DDOO!"

That screeching voice of hers was terrible. I heard better sounds coming from cactus pins scratching a blackboard. Everybody was covering their ears. The saloon's dog was howling, trying to drown her out. Even the horses outside were covering up their ears with their hooves! The glass bottles and glass shots were shattering all over the place, and I knew the worst hasn't come yet. I knew the song has a very high pitch part to it. If she gets to that part, then there will be no more liquor in this place. Hell, there probably won't be a saloon! I knew I had to do something quick.

"LA LA LA LA LA LA LA... DO DO DO DO DO... AAHH" – SMACK! Thank God I covered her mouth on time! My action got a lot of applause. She was struggling to break free from my grip, but I whispered in her ear, "You saw what happened to the guy before you, right?" She shook her head nervously. "Trust me; they will do the same to you, so just cooperate with me here." She nodded in affirmation.

Then I let go of her and started to sing a cowboy classic, "A Fair Lady of the Plains".

"_There was a fair lady who lived on the plains  
She helped me herd cattle through hard stormy rains."_

Then she was about to sing, but I quickly told her, "Don't sing a word, just hum." Fortunately, it worked. So I continued singing:

"_She helped me one season all through the roundup  
She would drink with me from the cold bitter cup  
She loved the red liquor which serves a man so  
She was a fair lady as white as the snow."_

Everybody started to sing along with me and mood changed back to its normal drunken spirit. When I got done with the song, there was a loud applause. Finally, we got off the stage and had a chat.

"Thank you very much."

"No problem ma'am. Your name is Katie Singer right?"

"Yes, but they call me 'Screeching Hawk'. I don't know why."

"I don't know why either…" I replied while rolling my eyes, I couldn't tell her the awful truth; I was trying to get a date, folks!

"So what's yours?"

"Jessie James Sammler, ma'am."

"I've heard about you, you're the local sheriff, right?"

"Yes indeed, the best sheriff in all of New Mexico!"

Then the pervert came up to me, "Sherriff Sammler, can I get my hat back?"

I could give him his hat back, but instead I decided to have some fun with him… "Of course, if you would do me one favor…"

He looked at me and sighed, "No, not that! Please ma'am, please!"

"Yes, that. You know I like it when you do that."

It looked like he was about to cry. Well, that's what he gets for trying to take advantage of a lady.

"Oh okay, I ain't got much of a choice it seems like…" he pouted. He warmed up his vocal cords then he started to sing that stupid song:

"_Miya-hee  
Miya-hoo  
Miya-ho  
Miya-haha."_

We were laughing our asses off. He does a funnier job of singing that song than that fat guy on the Internet! After he finished, I gave him back his hat. Now I can pick up where I left off with Katie.

"Can you show me around the area?" she said with a flirtatious smile.

"Of course ma'am," I flirted back. I loved watching that teasing smile of hers.

"Just call me Katie."

"Yes ma'am... I mean Katie!"

She just chuckled, "That's much better."

"And you can call me Jessie. Come with me, let me introduce you to my friends."

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx


End file.
